Search This Blog

Saturday, November 10, 2007

Alterations


Somehow I knew that resuming "normal" life would not happen. Some events cause change. Some events turn the direction of the path so that one can't see ahead or behind on the path. Some events serve a person notice that he can never return to the way affairs had been. Instinctively, I knew that the future would be charted differently. The balance of relationships with immediate family had been totally altered. The future of those relationships would definitely be different. How holidays would be celebrated would be different. How proceeding at work would be different just because the zest, purpose, and energy for working had changed. And, of course, the set of questions one asks the Maker become different. So, one would expect religious behavior and theological understanding to take an expected twist.

All of the above did happen. It was truly hard to muddle through the first Christmas with only one child instead of two. The intense examination of one's actions and intentions leading up to and away from my son's departure from this world, led to a new eyes and more resolve to live according to personal principles rather than to live without saying what is on the mind or compromising to keep the peace. So, of course marital relations changed. Work was a total burn-out. I knew I would have to do something different very soon. And, yes, I felt that I needed to make a correction toward spirituality and away from religiosity, toward a theological understanding of not having regrets from one moment to the next and away from participating in the charade that God had waved a magic wand and that everything was all right or the same.

What is this world about if what one works hard to instill in posterity is uprooted, yanked away? I wanted that answer but knew that it would be an endless odyssey if I embarked on that journey. I turned to the only thing I knew that would put me back on the path of finding sense in the midst of great questioning. It had worked before. I trusted that it would work again. I began translating some of the New Testament from Greek -1st Peter, 1st and 2nd Thessalonians, various texts from the gospels. It helped me focus on the Creator, the one who still cared for me, who would stand by me till the end. Hopefully, not the bitter end either.

Finally, the darkness in the woods began to lift. It was gradual. Triggers around town still set off strong memories. But, I was able to let the Creator begin pumping life back into me. Songs such as Casting Crown's "Voice of Truth" and "Praise Him in the Storm" helped in allowing life to creep back in. Delerious' songs "Obsession" and "Jesus" helped in rekindling feeling where nerves had been numbed.

It's different now. But how meaningful each waking moment has become. Maybe I found the definition of "precious" in places where before I had taken them for granted.