Scrambled intetentions

A second difference in the codes of gender speaking is that when men speak, they expect to have the floor. Thus, if a man begins to speak and someone else talks over him and prevails, he loses face among the participants in the conversation. If a man interrupts another man, he had better become the speaker to hold the floor, or again, he loses face. So, usually men are quiet unless it is clearly his turn to speak or unless he knows he can wrest the floor and win it.

Women have a totally different norm going on. Because of the minimal response, women feel as if they can speak simultaneously with other women. It is a way of aligning themselves so as to not to be overtly hostile. In fact, women who do not engage in the minimal response are perceived as hostile or antagonistic. So, it is important to align themselves with the speaker. If for some reason, a woman is silent during another speaker's turn, she shows her alignment by building on the last woman's utterance. She might begin her turn by saying, "To add to ____'s idea," ....

So, woman talks to man. He listens like he is supposed to. No minimal response. When he speaks, he takes the floor. In the woman's view, there is no alignment taking place. That means hostility or antagonism. Now, whatever gets said is perceived as a remark that in unaligned with the woman's utterance. The woman may try to respond minimally while the man is talking. He sees the gesture as a woman trying to interrupt, to take the floor from him. According to his rules, that is losing face. According to a woman's rules it is showing alignment. The conversation turns for the worse.

One can better determine how cross-gender conversations become scrambled in a hurry. The codes, norms, or rules are different, even opposite. So the participants in the conversation don't get caught up in the content of the conversation, but let the unspoken rules dictate the underlying meaning of the conversation. That's when the automatic rules learned in our peer groups take over. But, the rules are different and misunderstandings run rampant. That's when the "You said this, but meant that," conversation takes over. Ah, the end is near.