Norms, codes, and discontent

Turn-taking is one of those rules that differs in interpretation by the gender you are. "Rules" are really the norms established by socialization with your peers. So, when learning conversational norms, socialization happens. When people violate established societal norms for conversation, then stigmas are assigned to that person, such as "Oh no, here comes the guy that never shuts up," or "you don't want to talk with him - he never says more than two words." Somewhere in the middle is the norm. We all learn the norm when we socialize through the years. This also means that the peer group teaches us the norm, not the adult population. If you're a deep adult, you have probably noticed that the norms are slightly different for you than they are for people 20 or more years younger than you.

Since socialization occurs from peers, then another observation needs to be made. Girls are socialized by girls, boys by boys. As young people approach puberty, socialization takes on greater importance. One reason is that young people begin striving for independence from parents, even in the way they talk. However, boys hang around boys and girls around girls until mid-to-late adolescence. The socialization process, then, is left to the same sex peer group.

Therein lies the rub. The norms, or rules, for girls differ from the norms for boys. These norms are not easily shaken and continue into adulthood. These norms actually reach codified status for many adults because norms from childhood tend to become codes in nearly all areas of life, like religious values or beliefs, work ethic, role-orientation of culture. So, when a boy meets a girl or a girl meets a boy, the norms for engaging in conversation are different.

Building off of the previous blog, a great illustration can be seen. Turn-taking among girls requires that another girl show her interest in the conversation by giving minimal responses as the conversation continues. Words such as uh-huh, yes, right are sprinkled throughout the turn of the speaker by the listener. Boys, on the other hand, say nothing while another speaker has the floor because one of the norms in boys' conversations is not to take the floor away from the speaker. The minimal response is considered an attempt to take the floor away since it is a way to agree with someone and to then continue building on the conversation. Imagine what happens when boy meets girl. Girls would come away from the conversation saying, "he's not a good conversatinalist because he just sits there." Boys would come away from the conversation saying, "I hate talking with her because she interrupts all the time." This continues into adulthood. Women say, "He just sits there. It's like talking to a brick wall." Men say, "Talking with her is useless. She won't listen and tries to take the floor constantly." Different norms have been mentioned even as a cause for divorce by some.

Norms become codes. Codes become expectations. Expectations breed discontent. Discontent leads to separation or warfare. Thus we have language as a part of the greater "Gender Wars." One would think that understanding the other gender's point of view would uncomplicate matters. But the truth is stated in the first 4 sentences of this paragraph for most, so understanding gets nowhere. I'll write more on this matter in three blogs from this one.