I'm so sorry

On CNN today the author of a book was trying to tell why women apologize "all the time" and men rarely apologize.  Her explanation was that women know they are "bitchy" at times.  So, they know that saying "bitchy" things takes up time and space to help them clear the air for themselves.  That's when they apologize.  They know that they have wasted someone else's time just to help themselves.  The apology is for a few moments of self centered expression.  Men, on the other hand don't take up someone else's space and time to clear the air for themselves, so they apologize when needed, not for "merely breathing."

Well, everyone is entitled to an opinion.  Validity, on the other hand, is a little harder to come by.  The statement above is by a woman, so who am I, a male, to call her into question too much?  I would refer to some literature about the subject, however.  Some psychologists would say that women apologize to show deference, to symbolize their role as slightly inferior, or to denigrate their self-efficacy so that the males might have an opportunity to show prowess.  Some linguists see the behavior more as a way to manipulate the conversation to get what they want.  If a woman shows weakness, the male will respond with a statement of redirection, but in so doing leaves himself open to being led in logic toward a desired goal by the woman.  The apology is a distraction from her goal, so that the man doesn't see it but feels inclined to comfort or guide.  Then, the woman obtains her goal by leading the thought process from that point.

The CNN author's explanation doesn't seem too plausible  because women don't like to waste someone's time anymore than men do.  Women's self-efficacy is not deficient in any way to men's.  The psychological explanation seems plausible only if women actually feel as if they need to defer for some reason or that they want to cater to a man's view of the world.  That seems unlikely since they want just as much from life as men do.  But, the linguists' point of view seems to have some merit.  Humans in general are manipulative because they seek to control what they can of the world around them.  Using language to aid in keeping control is something that both sexes do.

People don't like to think in terms of manipulation.  The word connotes deviousness and deceit.  But, creating facades is a practice humans commonly engage in.  Everyone does this for their own survival first, and for control after that.  When I hear an apology from a woman, I know that I should not be distracted.  Something in the environment is about to move on me ( a nice way to say something is being manipulated).