The beauty of faded stripes

Very recently I have had time to reflect on just what kind of activity sparks my interest. It's the same activity that has driven me since I was in my 30s. Over two decades and the spark comes from the same place. That proves up the saying, "You can't change the stripes on a zebra." My stripes appear the same. The last blog, in fact, points up the same thing. Why would I be in the same position 16 years later that would require the same response as indicated in the poem?

Some things change with maturity, but the activities are the same. In my 20s, for example, I sat and spoke in a Bible circle with friends and felt free to voice my opinion whether or not it was the better part of discretion. 3 decades later, I still sit in a Bible circle with friends, but this time I speak only when I think that I have something of value to add and mostly if it is discretionary. The stripes are there, just faded with age.

It's the faded stripes that lend themselves to wisdom. Long live stripes, and may they all turn to faded.

Freedom arrows

I received two bits of news over the last two days, one per day. I was disappointed in the first news and really, really disappointed with the last news. I am going to have to wait to write about the second piece of information until I can plan around it more fully, but I have had time to think about the fist tidbit.

Someone said to me that she had penciled my name in on her prayer list. I don't mind that. Prayers on my behalf are good. The conversation went on. Then, the implication was made that I knew the Bible, but not the savior of the Bible. I probably do know the Bible fairly well, but I'm pretty sure that I have responded to Jesus' words, "You have trusted God, now trust me" (John 14). The conversation went on. I was told I needed a Damascus experience. There is a lot of action in Paul's Damascus experience, but I took it that I needed to have a more direct experience with God in order to see him more clearly. The conversation went on.

The thought did occur to me that I needed to listen in the same way that David allowed the man on the side of the road after a battle to call him names like Baldy, and worse. I probably need reminders along the way to heaven that my dependency on God is not always evident to others.

Then I had a flash-thought. I had given this person a little of myself, a translation I had made and put in a power point. Was that not evidence that I had a purpose in life beyond what my job provided?

The situation reminded me of a poem I had written about 16 years ago when someone had challenged whether or not I was a Christian.

Pointed Words

My mind is troubled. A semi-friend spoke pointed words.
She aimed an arrow my direction.
And it stuck right in my heart.




Now my mind is troubled.
The words were not a blunt arrow.
She said she was surprised.
And I didn't fit her idea.
The words pierced my heart.

My mind dwelled on this trouble.
Her words kept begging for reply.
She knew me as a Christian first.
She matched me to her idea second.
This sharp arrow still stuck in my heart.

My mind wrestled this trouble.
Her words served as a reminder.
"John came: you considered him a madman.
I'm here: You call me a drunkard, a glutton."
Jesus' words freed the arrow from my heart.

My mind resolved this trouble.
Her words show her confusion.
She said, "My background won't allow me."
She said, "Christians can't enjoy life."
May my arrow's heartblood change her heart.

My mind is troubled again.
What if these words are a warning?
She is merely relaying Your message.
Is she coaxing me back on the path?
A heartwound causes hard thinking.

My mind is freed from trouble.
Words can change, like ideas.
She needs to see Christ's enjoyment.
She needs to hear Christ's laughter,
Thank you, Daddy, for heart healing.

For the person who caused me to again reconsider, I offer a return prayer.
"In my father's compound are many, many houses... and I am going to prepare that house for you." I'll check on you in your house in the compound when we both get there.

Trigger happy

I see that it is a part of our culture to disagree. But, I think part of the culture of disagreement is to offer either evidence for the point being argued or a show of attitude that it is according to one's own experience. So, I was taken off-guard yesterday after making a statement that I thought was non-argumentative and contained nominal evidence on behalf of the observation. One party around me was not on the same wave length and uttered vehement opposition. Opposition is good, so I listened and pondered a great deal afterward of all the counter-evidence to the opposition's side of matters.

So it goes in America. I'm still wondering what triggered the vehemence, but there seems to be an abundance of people who are full of anger and willing to let it overflow in their attitudes toward others. I think what the son of man wanted second most behind a trust in his deity was a unity among those who do trust him. A show of unity would be nice sometimes, but it almost appears to be anti-American to let something trivial slide. We would rather be IN YOUR FACE than to let something trivial go. No wonder that the Master said, "Will there be faith on the earth when I return in my glory?"

Unexpected Presence

The poetry is good. The rhyme and meter are predictable, which is good if you don't want people to think about something off-focus from the main message of the song. The music has special effects. The music crescendoes when moving from verse to chorus. Repetition keeps the listener from having to guess so much as to what the next words might be. The theme of deliverance, or presence when absence is expected, is reiterated 3 different ways, succinctly stated. The simile comparing freeing ourselves and singing about our Maker to weight placed on straining hinges shows very well how we could injure ourselves (metaphorically) if we don't sing of the presence of God. The song includes very consistent contrast since the three reiterated points of the verses suggest any idea except for God to be with us. And, of course the whole point of any work dealing with humans and God is to show that what we have to offer is miniscule compared to what He has offered us already. Only chains of looking in the wrong places would keep us humans from recognizing right away that God's presence with us is such a priceless gift. Finally, the instrumental part following the words allow us to ruminate the unexpected anomoly of God's being with us. It concludes with the same rising tone as a question does in the tones of our language as if to ask, "Shouldn't you drop your chains?"

Of course, I'm talking about the song "God with Us" from Mercy Me's CD All that Is Within Me.

Who are we that you would be mindful of us?
What do you see that's worth a look in our way?

We are free in ways that we never should be—
Sweet release from the grip of these chains.
Like hinges straining from the weight
My heart can't keep from singing,

All that is within me cries,
For you alone be glorified
Emanuel—God with us.

My heart sings a brand new song.
The debt is paid These chains are gone.
Emanuel—God with us.

Don't you know our hearts don't deserve your glory.
Still you show a love we cannot afford.
Like hinges straining from the weight
My heart no longer can keep from singing,

All that is within me cries
For you alone be glorified.
Emanuel—God with us.

My heart sings a brand new song.
The debt is paid these chains are gone.
Emanuel—God with us.

Such a tiny offering compared to Calvary;
Nevertheless we lay it at your feet.
Such a tiny offering compared to Calvary;
Nevertheless we lay this at your feet,

All that is within me cries
For you alone be glorified.
Emanuel—God with us.

My heart sings a brand new song.
My debt is paid these chains are gone.
Emanuel—God with us.

Over the last week and a half I have tried hard to ponder the thoughts of the song as I go to sleep. I usually hear it three times before sleep sets in. Now my morning walks in the park in conversation with God are not so limited in time and space. God is with me the night before.

A new year, a new understanding

New year's day nearly always represent new beginnings for people in some aspect of life or another. It's important for people to get new starts. We live in compartments and experience life in phases. We live from one holiday to the next, from one vacation time to another, from one season of the year to the next. We practice our understandings better at seasons of recall than in the long haul.

So, I am going to try this coming year to understand a particular set of Jesus' words better than the last year. The words come from John 4 when Jesus meets a Samaritan woman at a well and asks for a drink of water. Although the woman does not refuse a drink outright, she finds a way of putting off Jesus' request.

Jesus answered, "If you only knew what God gives and who it is that is asking you for a drink, you would ask him, and he would give you life-giving water."
"Sir," the woman said, "you don't have a bucket, and the well is deep. Where would you get that life-giving water? It was our ancestor Jacob who gave us this well; he and his children and his flocks all drank from it. You don't claim to be greater than Jacob, do you?"
Jesus answered, "Those who drink this water will get thirsty again, but those who drink the water that I will give them will never be thirsty again. The water that I will give them will become in them a spring which will provide them with life-giving water and give them eternal life."
"Sir," the woman said, "give me that water! Then I will never be thirsty again, nor will I have to come here to draw water."

Like the Samaritan woman, I am intrigued with having water that gives me life now and eternity later. So, I ask for this kind of water. The comparison of concrete water to an abstract water has much to offer in the way of understanding. It's the obvious—following Jesus' teachings lead to eternal life. But, it may be the less obvious. Once Jesus' teachings are ingested, they are the spring within us that keeps us from having to go back again and again. We don't need to keep reviewing, we need to enjoy the perpetual spring, our conscience, that considers what we already know to be true.

Forgiveness and slander come to mind as two teachings we have ingested but really don't enjoy our consciences considering. We don't have to review the teachings on forgiveness and slander over and over. Our consciences remind us each time an occasion arises to continue on a higher path or ignore the right behavior and take the lower road. The teaching has been ingested so we really do know which behavior leads to life.

There are many more nuggets here. I want to revisit them at regular intervals during the year and check my understanding.

Happy new year, happy new beginnings in whatever way you are starting new.

Bringing the "holi" to "holiday"

Today I got to have family day. It's what you would want—gift giving, card exchanges, beautiful words said, emotions of delight on everyone's face. It's good for the soul to have those once in a while. Too many times those occasions arise infrequently so the refreshment does not carry into the next occasion. Therefore, it's refreshing to hear from the hearts of those we love and see happiness on their faces.

Tomorrow brings a whole new dynamic. Work routines return for some of us. Duties split us in different directions. But today was cozy. It was a recharge to a person's battery. I'll internalize this one for the dry spells up ahead.

Replicating Jesus Moments

It's amazing how people change their thinking about you if they see conflicting information to their perceived notion about you. I saw such a transformation earlier last week. A woman I work around saw me going and coming over a period of about 4 months. This last month she and I engaged in several conversations. I am guilty of toying with people's minds, but the point of such toying is to try to encourage growth.

So, the toying began. Language is my game, so we had a number of conversations about words. I tried to get her to see some of the theories about language and society, including taboo language, but also including language behavior in general. Occasionally, when this happens, the person's notion about me is that I have too liberal of leanings to be a Christian. I could tell this was the case in this instance.

So, I fenced this woman into a conversation in which she raised the question about how much I might know about the Bible. She was going to elaborate, of course, on how the Good Book might mitigate some of the statements I had made. After we talked further, I could tell she changed her mind about where I stood on Christianity and the Good Book. We actually both advanced our understanding of and respect for the other's beliefs. Thus, a bond was formed.

Growth for both of us took place. I love it when those moments are so manifest that it is unmistakable that God has been in the place, the work place in this instance. The Great Teacher was like this—toying with people until he fenced them into a better understanding of and respect for the unmistakable presence of the Maker. The ending refrain of the Delirious song I Take Off My Shoes comes to mind for just these moments in time. "I take off my crown, and fall at Your feet—so holy!"

The scene is over

Impotence is the word that comes to mind. Even after a year. The event is so unbelievable that you just find yourself shaking your head, replaying parts of the trauma as if to savor it and dismiss it at the same time. You wish you could just get control of the movie and end it before it got so bad. But, there is no control—absolutely no control. The scene is over. It cannot be reperformed. It is final. There is no control—absolutely no control.

For 2 years after the event, I still listened to songs to heal the deeply cut wound in my heart. The songs were salve to the wound. I felt better after listening to them. But I wanted what could not be granted. I wanted to have no death in the family. I wanted it so badly, I felt that my desire alone could control going back in time and changing the matter. What if I had been able to take him to the doctor earlier. What if I had gotten stronger medicine earlier or investigated the experimental or homeopathic options earlier. What if... What if... But there was no control—absolutely no control over the past.

The Creator had visited my life, and it was a Jacob's ladder experience. I had wrestled for a year and two months side by side with my son. I was tired, yet optimistic that He would heal. The very last day was still a day of hope when it began. But the Creator visited. His word was that I had no control. That was the most impotent moment in life.

I have not really railed against the Creator of life asking, "Why?" I don't get answers from Him that way. So, I lean on the evidence of what can't be seen. I attach the greatest importance to the words of the Creator's words through the Son of Man.

You have trusted God. Now trust me. In my father's compound are many, many dwellings. IF IT WERE NOT SO, I WOULDN'T HAVE TOLD YOU... I will come again and take you to be with me so that you, too, can be where I am.

I also found the basic "location" in which the greatest faith trees are planted. It was in the words of the song by Matthew West, "My Finest Hour."

The king of contradictions strikes again.
You said the last to cross the finish line will win.
The beggars will be millionaires someday.
And the humble ones are going to have their say.
Well, all my friends are gone now,
And all my money's gone now,
And all my pride is gone now,
And if what you say is true now—
This will be my finest hour.
This will be my finest hour!

Well, everything is opposite down here.
The strong survive and the rest just disappear.
Ah, but your philosophy is more unique.
You say I'll be stronger when I'm weak.
And this will be my finest hour.
This will be my finest hour!

It's 2 AM and sleepless,
How wide awake and restless.
I don't know what my deal is.
I've never felt so helpless.
O-h-h-h-h... I need you more than ever.

No, I don't understand it,
I don't think I'll ever comprehend it.
It's so hard to conceive it.
So, I guess I'll just believe it.
This will be my finest hour.
This will be my finest hour!

So, I live life now in one hour increments—the "finest hour" increment because I have no control—absolutely no control.

Alterations

Somehow I knew that resuming "normal" life would not happen. Some events cause change. Some events turn the direction of the path so that one can't see ahead or behind on the path. Some events serve a person notice that he can never return to the way affairs had been. Instinctively, I knew that the future would be charted differently. The balance of relationships with immediate family had been totally altered. The future of those relationships would definitely be different. How holidays would be celebrated would be different. How proceeding at work would be different just because the zest, purpose, and energy for working had changed. And, of course, the set of questions one asks the Maker become different. So, one would expect religious behavior and theological understanding to take an expected twist.

All of the above did happen. It was truly hard to muddle through the first Christmas with only one child instead of two. The intense examination of one's actions and intentions leading up to and away from my son's departure from this world, led to a new eyes and more resolve to live according to personal principles rather than to live without saying what is on the mind or compromising to keep the peace. So, of course marital relations changed. Work was a total burn-out. I knew I would have to do something different very soon. And, yes, I felt that I needed to make a correction toward spirituality and away from religiosity, toward a theological understanding of not having regrets from one moment to the next and away from participating in the charade that God had waved a magic wand and that everything was all right or the same.

What is this world about if what one works hard to instill in posterity is uprooted, yanked away? I wanted that answer but knew that it would be an endless odyssey if I embarked on that journey. I turned to the only thing I knew that would put me back on the path of finding sense in the midst of great questioning. It had worked before. I trusted that it would work again. I began translating some of the New Testament from Greek -1st Peter, 1st and 2nd Thessalonians, various texts from the gospels. It helped me focus on the Creator, the one who still cared for me, who would stand by me till the end. Hopefully, not the bitter end either.

Finally, the darkness in the woods began to lift. It was gradual. Triggers around town still set off strong memories. But, I was able to let the Creator begin pumping life back into me. Songs such as Casting Crown's "Voice of Truth" and "Praise Him in the Storm" helped in allowing life to creep back in. Delerious' songs "Obsession" and "Jesus" helped in rekindling feeling where nerves had been numbed.

It's different now. But how meaningful each waking moment has become. Maybe I found the definition of "precious" in places where before I had taken them for granted.

Associations everywhere-but healing too

There were triggers all around. I would hear a song. It would put me right back in the hospital room or the funeral. I would see friends of my son. They would bring back all the not-so-old memories. I would pass a college. That's the spot in life my son was supposed to be occupying. I would see a televeision program with a loved one who had a life-threatening program. The parallel sent my mind spinning again into the world of just 6 months ago when my son had his life in this world.

But there was no song that would bring me to my knees more quickly than the Mercy Me song, I Can Only Imagine. I would stop whatever I was doing if I heard it and reflect on the events of the recent past. The same happened with Trane's song, Calling All Angels. Time would halt, immediately. When the song was over, time could start again. The two songs I had dedicated to my son's healing while he was alive I had to listen to every so often and ask why healing had not been in the cards for my son.

But, songs were the healing method for the raw pain to become soothed. Michael W. Smith's song, Healing Rain came out about 9 months after this traumatic event in my life. I couldn't get enough of it. I would turn on the radio and be disappointed if I didn't hear it. When I bought the CD of it, I could play it at will, which I did so many times.

Healing rain is coming down,
is coming nearer to this old town
Rich and poor, weak and strong,
It's bringing mercy; it won't be long.

Healing rain is coming down
It's coming closer to the lost and found.
Tears of joy and tears of shame
Are washed forever in Jesus' name.

Healing rain, it comes with fire
So let it fall and take us higher.
Healing rain, I'm not afraid
to be washed in Heaven's rain.

Lift your heads, let us return
To the mercy seat where time began
In your eyes, I see the pain.
Come soak this dry heart with healing rain.

Only you, the Son of Man
Can take a leper and let him stand.
So, lift your hands; they can be held
by someone greater, the Great I am.

Healing rain is coming down
It's coming closer to the lost and found.
Tears of joy and tears of shame
Are washed forever in Jesus' name.

Healing rain, it comes with fire
So let it fall and take us higher,
Healing rain, I'm not afraid
to be washed in Heaven's rain.

Healing is falling down, healing rain is falling down

I'm not afraid, I'm not afraid.

Healing rain is falling down.

Let it rain, let it rain.

How in the world?

The number one thought on my mind was, "How in the world am I going to make it to the end of life after having my heart r-i-p-p-e-d o-u-t? It's horrendous beyond belief, but it just happened. It did happen. It's real. And it is so, so final—and so, so irreversible. I don't know if I can really live."

After returning to work, I remember going through the motions, but with not much zest for life. Ever so slowly, I learned the lesson of parallel worlds. Two worlds do exist with life in them. I continued to walk in the park, continued to pray, "My father who is in heaven," continued to realize that "in my father's compound are many houses," continued to say "I'll catch up to you soon," and added a new utterance, "Thank you, father, for the safekeeping of my precious son."

Talking to the dead is not something that I have ever done before. I did find it necessary to do, however, because there were some matters left untended. I had to try to make sure that a message was heard. I had to apologize for all my wrong moves. I had to relate all the plans that I had wanted to see him complete. The next life is such "an undiscovered territory," as Shakespeare put it, that it leads you to do things that might not be right or accurate, but on the outside chance that they are, you do it. I don't know if my son heard a single word, but I had to tell him.

And dreams... oh, I wanted to have a dream of communication from the next life. I had one all right, but it was not one that I could say was not the machinations of my own my mind. It wasn't clear that it was communication from that other world. But I heard so much from others about seeing angels at the time of death, or seeing a bright light as the spirit departed. I wanted that experience too. I received silence. I wanted to hear a voice. I received soundless space.

So, I worked... and tried to care about my work. But, I had to work at caring about work. How in the world was I going to make it after my heart had been R-I-P-P-E-D O-U-T?

Where to place my stakes

I had taken 2 weeks off from work. I have no idea how most of those days went. I do remember walking in the park that is close to the house every morning and evening. I would walk within 15 minutes of getting up and within 30 minutes of closing down for the night. I know it was my salvation, however.

There's a cement pathway near the primeter of the park. It's ringed by willows and pecans. When the day's first rays filter through the trees, something celestial dawns on the conscious awareness. I simply put one foot in front of the other and walk a mile. And that's the phrase I still remember most of that 2-week time period—one foot in front of the other. I didn't have a whole lot to think about except why I was in the condition I was in. It was not supposed to be the way it was. So, around the park I would go uttering the Lord's prayer. If anyone did watch me making the rounds of the park, they had to be wondering why or what I was constantly muttering under my breath. It was the only thing I could say. I knew better than to lash out to God. But, I still knew that I had to find my way in a forest of different thoughts. So, I staked my 2 weeks' recovery period before reporting back to work on 2 recitations. They flowed from my lips morning and evening. Beyond those 2 recitations, I knew nothing. So, my lips moved:

My father in heaven, your name is sacred.

I wish for the coming of your kingdom.

I wish for your will to be done on earth just like it is in heaven.

Give us today the bread we need,

and forgive us our wrongdoing as we have forgiven wrongdoings against us.

Do not lead us into temptation but deliver us from the evil one

because to you belongs the kingdom, the power, and the glory forever. So it is.

Many times I would go line by line thinking through every word and how it applied to my new world without the flesh and blood member I had grown so used to seeing everyday and who represented my future. The 4th line I concentrated on. The 4th line the Maker delivered on. My days went by without a lapse into deep, dark depression.

In my father's compound are many, many houses. If it were not so, I wouldn't have told you it was. I am going to prepare a place for you. And if I go to prepare you a place, I will come again and take you to be with me so that you can be where I am.

The second sentence I repeated time and time again. I had to bank on either the reality of what I see is what I get or that life after death was both truth and reality. It helped me to address the one I loved and lost. It helped me adopt the phrase for my future, "I'll catch up to you soon." I can now actually look forward to the life after this one. If it were not true, the Son of Man would not have lied. He even said, "I wouldn't have told you it was true if it wasn't."

Even today I look upward and whisper, "I'll catch up to you soon."

The cold ground

Finally, the day arrives. It's been in the back of the mind since the afternoon that fate took its fatal twist. The day that finalizes the separation of body from planet. The day that inevitably rips what little root has been left in the heart completely from its dirt. The day in which the long last gaze upon the spiritless frame that represents the memories of years. The day finally arrives.

Yeah, there's a tribute ceremony, but it's not the same as a send-off or a time for bon voyage. The ceremony helps serves as the lock and key barring the ones who stay on this earth from the ones who are granted safe passage to the life after this one. The ceremony is a time to share with those outside the family's circle a circumstance or two that characterized the life of the one who left. The send-off happened days before.

The night immediately following the tributes given starts the really l-o-o-o-n-g journey without the person who so long has been a part of your essence. What does one do now? Life seems unimaginable any more. One of the reasons for living has been removed. Why must one go on without his presence? How does one move beyond this point that no one can believed just happened? Putting one foot in front of the other seems a little trite, but it is the only truth to the questions above.

Ah, there's a subject—truth! Bah humbug! Reality is the only game in town, not truth. Truth is lying in the cold ground.

A broken law

The morning broke without my attention to it. Somewhere in the light hours of morning I awoke to the breaking realization that something irreversible had happened the day before. I couldn't control it and disliked it with such great animostiy that to say I had an issue with its irreversibility would be a gross understatement.

The day's duties were clear cut. What happens at a funeral home is pretty standard around the states. Probably, so is what happens in one's mind, but a person's background governs his experience so that the thoughts become intensely personal. At first the disbelief is great. Each morning of 5 mornings the sun rose with the hope that matters would be different. But, they were not different. With strict uniformity the hope vanished because there would never be another conversation with the person I intensely loved. Visual communication had halted completely. It was a world with no picture.

Besides the normal dawning of this nether world of separation was the overwhelming thought that what happened was so, so wrong. Surely the Creator of life would never require that children precede their parents on the journey to the next life. Parents go first. It's written in stone. That is also irreversible. How could it be that that law has been overturned! It came into my conscious mind as voice so reverberatingly loud that I just shook my head over and over and over. The voice didn't leave nor did the thunder of its sound diminish.

All 5 days were as one. The routines were to eat and sleep mainly, and visit with family who had arrived for comfort. But the voice and its accompanying thunder were routine as well. All the intense care for a year suddenly and screechingly came to an immediate stop. And it was wrong, just plain wrong. The Healer had been implored a hundred times by many people. But His answer was that he would heal in His way, not ours-in His place, not ours. Did he not care that one of the inviolable rules had been broken. Parents take the journey home before their children. Always. It's written in stone! No-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o!

Black hole

Dusk appeared outside. But, the night that it announced wouldn't be cozy. In fact, it would lead to the worst nightfall one can experience. Even one's own death could not be worse.

I don't even remember how or why I came home. Habit I suppose. I was numb after having wrung every emotional ounce of tears onto the hospital floor just 3 hours before. Since 7:00 I had been alone. I wish I could think of what pulsed through my mind. That's a blackness. I had uttered words based on what a nurse had done for physical comfort months ago. She repeated the soothing refrain, "Think of a blue room. What you love is in the middle of the room. It's so pleasant." I never rehearsed what I would say at the appointed time because I didn't want to be a non-believer in the awsome power of the Healer. But, at the appointed time my lips moved with sound, "Think of a white room. Think of a throne in the center. Think of the golden crown you are wearing." I never made it past that point in speaking. I just repeated the three-phrase utterance.






In my blackness, I hope I recounted every good memory, every word of love given out. I do know that I knew why I was alone. The reason was a demon all its own. It only added to the blackness. Somewhere around midnight, figuratively and literally, and very real on either level, I slept. As did someone I loved. But, I would wake again. The one I loved did too, just not in the world he left behind the evening before.

490 misses the point

I hate it when I get into an old argument with someone. The outcome is the same because the issue is the same. The emotions involved in the argument are the same. It's like seeing the same movie over and over. I had just such an occasion today.

The issue is over a hurt inflicted by a third party. It was a deep hurt inflicted on both of us in the argument by this third party. But the infliction of the wound was several years back. I think the difference is that one of us has practiced the principle of forgiveness while the other has allowed resentments to fester.

"How many times should a person forgive another believer?" Jesus knew the angle of the question being asked. He knew humans loved limits. They love to extract justice after a limit has been reached—a sort of 3 strikes and you're out philosophy. So when Peter mentions the suggestion of a limit like 7 times, Jesus multiplies the 7 by 10 and further multiplies that answer times the 7 used as the delimiting factor. The kicker is that Jesus gives a reason for doing so:

"... because the Kingdom of heaven is like this. Once there was a king who decided to check on his servants' accounts. He had just begun to do so when one of them was brought in who owed him millions of dollars." You know the rest of the story. The whole episode is in Matthew 18. I know my life. I owe a million dollars. I do not want to be guilty of turning around and asking someone to pay for a $10 debt. Although I get accused of not caring, I will not continue with thinking of the hurt. It doesn't matter in light of the grand scheme of how ugly my own life is without grace. Forget it. The Maker of all people is also their judge. If he thinks the third party should suffer recrimination for the hurt inflicted, then so be it. But, it's not because I am asking for it. I am grateful for the mercy I have received time and again rather than the recrimination that should have come my way.

So when the argument comes up again, I will be silent on the issue again. The Great Teacher has said forgiveness is the best path. I am going to eat, grab my keys and get on down the road. I have moved on regardless of the hurt. It's not my call. My call is in the form of an equation: 70 X 7.

If the spirit ain't happy...

This past week was a physically exhausting week. But, this weekend after catching up on rest, something very rejuvenating happened in my spirit. Like mama, if the spirit ain't happy, ain't nothing happy (and vice versa—if the spirit is happy, every other organ is happy).

What rejuvenates me the most is a scripture enlightenment. This weekend a colleague of mine came to stay. He also is a New Testament scholar, so we engaged in quite a few conversations about religion and scripture. But, today we ventured onto the hard sayings of Jesus. In particular, we looked at Matthew 11.12. It was on my mind because a teacher I had heard recently had applied the verse to Christians being assertive in their faith through their relationship with the Holy Spirit. He had used the New International Version for the wording of the verse (which was totally different from the version I was carrying). That threw me into fits since I thought that using the verse in that way was a total miscarriage of interpretive rules. But, having the conversation with my friend helped in resting my soul about the matter.

Matthew 11.12 according to two versions and their variant translations:

From the time John preached his message until this very day the Kingdom of heaven has suffered violent attacks, and violent men try to seize it. (Good News)

From the time John preached his message until this very day the Kingdom of heaven has been coming violently, and violent men try to seize it. (Good News footnote of another way to translate the verse)

And from the time John the Baptist began preaching and baptizing until now, the Kingdom of Heaven has been forcefully advancing, and violent people attack it. (New Living Translation)

And from the time John the Baptist began preaching and baptizing until now, eager multitudes have been pressing into the Kingdom of Heaven. (New Living Translation footnote of another way to translate the verse)

These 4 renderings of the verse are representative of the 4 main ways to translate/interpret this verse. The second one, from the Good News, is closest to the way I would understand the verse although I would vary somewhat. But, the gyrations of going through the versions and comparing it to the Greek text and discussing it with someone who also knows translation principles, helped my spirit today. Now I am satisfied that the verse is really a response to Jews who were worried that John was not getting a fair shake. It had nothing to do with the Holy Spirit. If I add a little bit of historical context to it, then the verse says, "In the 2 years or so between John's appearance and his teaching and my appearance and my teaching, the Kingdom of Heaven has attacked the power structure. So, those people have worked hard at oppressing it in return."

It's not about the Spirit, it's about the teaching of Jesus and power players' reactions to it. That's comforting to know. It rests my spirit. Now I can go refreshed into the work week much more settled. I thank the creator of a restful spirit for the reprieve amidst a turbulent work backdrop.

Oh, I'm not worried

People say what they need to in order to look good for the moment. I remember a man saying to me that he would not forget what I had done for him. Well, it's been about a year and half since I have heard from him. But, I'm not too worried. Not for one second do I think he will remember, but it's just the human condition to say something that sounds "right" for the moment. And it's even more the human condition to say something and never get around to fulfilling what you said you would do. I would be a bit more condemnatory if I wasn't guilty of the same thing myself.

That brings to mind a story with a stinging indictment to it. Jesus was brought a woman caught in adultery. His response was to write in the dirt. As he wrote, the accusers all walked away saying nothing. What did he write? Who knows. Some suggest that he wrote the 10 commandments, one of which is to honor your father and mother, another of which is to not covet your neighbor's wife, and 8 others which no one in the human condition could fulfill. Some say that he wrote what he said earlier in his ministry. You have heard it said not to commit adultery. But I say to you not to lust after a woman for in so doing you commit adultery in your heart. Who could really stone a woman for what a man does all the time, every day as he looks at all the women in the town.

So when I think of this man who had good intentions, I also think of the many times I didn't really follow through with something I have said. It's a humbling experience, really–a bit like masquerading every Halloween in costumes.

Roads a'plenty

Roads are a good object for comparisons to be made to. They have a number of good analogies, but I think the one I'll choose here is that they represent a way to travel. They make a journey a little easier than if you had to travel over rough terrain. And roads are plentiful these days making their use rather routine.

So, I'll choose several of these roads to explore the countryside (figuratively speaking) and see if the roads go somewhere lively or adventuresome. And if the countryside ends up being the type of terrain I like, I'll just stop and enjoy. And because the same road that got me to the spot also can take me away from the spot, I can leave at any time.

It sounds easy and enchanting. I know it's not, but it will help a person leave the state of limbo he may find himself in. And you never know when the road might just lead to the castle of your dreams.

Going nowhere

Limbo is a word that usually means some kind of interim state in which no one knows what direction to go next or a state in which no one formulates any plans to go any direction at all. Many have written about peaks and valleys in life, but there are just as many limbo places in life as there are peaks and valleys. Limbo places are hard for people to be in because they are used to such constant motion in their lives.

Limbo states, however, do allow for some reflection time just because energy is not used in keeping other motion going. And because limbo times are not usually self-imposed, they allow more global thinking to happen about our own spheres and possibilities. In that way, they are somewhat like dream states—a place in which possiblilities are endless and combinations happen without conscious consideration.

Such is my lot lately. But, the rearrangement of possibilities and the combinations not considered before keep me going and hopeful. It allows for my belief to take over that says that I really don't have to be in control of my environment. I never really have been. I just recognize the truth of it now more than ever than lying to myself or being in denial that I am in control. I trust the One in control of the big picture.