I understand most things in life. If I have an interest in them, I usually study them until I understand them very well. A couple of things in life, I have pursued formal training to know the nth degree about. So, when I hit something I have really tried to understand and can't, it bothers me severly.
I was told early on in life, "Everything has a shelf life." I understand this concept. But, I don't like how it has played out in life since I left my 30s. I know that we were "born to die." That will come in due time. I comprehend that there are cycles to life, so that many things resurface; they come and go, leave and return. I get it. What I don't understand is why the important matters/people have been plucked from me one at a time. Even formal training for acceptance of this principle I know about and can quote the steps for. However, I am not a whole individual as much as I could be because what I considered to be the #1 priority at different times in my life has been taken one priority at a time in a methodical, successive fashion. This I don't get.
At one time I thought that religion would help... of course, it didn't. I thought that discipline would help... that's not the trick. I thought maybe there were religious "disciplines" I was remiss in... of course not. I thought pursuing ideas to the nth degree would give me insight... yes, but not in this matter. If I have had a #1 priority, I have been stripped of it.
All I have to say about matters and people I have priorities about is that I wish it had worked out differently. I don't understand it for sure, so I am forced to settle for wishes. I wish that J.W. Roberts had mentored me a little longer before dying in mid-semester of my second year with him . I wish that choices from the 20s had been different. I wish consulting for attorneys had played a larger part in my life. I wish that I had not gone through raising teenagers alone. I wish for my son's cancer to have had a cure. I wish that 2009 could have lasted the rest of my life. I wish 2011 had not included the path I am bound to go down.
I still need the understanding of the bigger picture. Without it, I am blind. I have never liked being blind and have fought against it with every ounce of my energy. It defies what I am about. But...
4 comments:
What! There is a bigger picture? Where? When? In what dimension or multiverse? There are too many pictures, digital images surround us, and I for one, am overwhealmed in too much to see. I shall rely on my blindsight and take evasive action with my higher brain cognition on vacation. Searching inward to the still small point within that engenders connections outward. Understand? Truly understand? Anything at all? Fat chance of that ever happening. For all I know I am but an almost infinite bunch of small vibrating strings adrift in space-time that conspired to birth a consciousness when all the real action occurs in the sleeping mind where we know the Names of things, the true names, the names that give us power. (Been reading too much Patrick Rothfuss of late.) I shall objure understanding and skate across the surface of things as a water-skimmer. Sleep, yes sleep, shall lead to ununderstanding and true knowing.
Well, you have a point. I guess I put it to words wrong. People live reactionarily to life for the most part. But, there are still influences on our spheres of existence that seem out of view to us that really do still influence our worlds.
The sleep part is relegated to the dream realm in my understanding. That's where conscious thought can wander aimlessly and randomly to help think through concerns or help us energize ourselves with visions of pleasantness.
Listen to this song, reminded me of this blog when I heard it today. Beware of the strong language. Also thought your daughter might enjoy the message.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OZV-Q5VqTHI&feature=youtube_gdata_player
~j
I really like the song. Makes my day. Thank you. I think my daughter will enjoy the message too. (& you know I think that all words are created equal.)
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