No, not biting

Sometimes I just can't believe my ears.  I guess people think they can get out of what they say as easy as changing clothes and then lying about what they had just worn.

I was being told about a woman who had gone into great detail about an incident that had occurred in her life 44 years ago.  She was in a setting where there were 3 other people in the conversation, all of them her immediate family.  Each one was relating a story about an event that was his or her greatest regret.  This was not a Truth or Dare game, it was not even an agreed upon activity.  It was just one person relating an incident, then the next person deciding to do the same, then the next, until all 4 had expressed some regret.

The kicker was that the woman was soon after alone with her sister, who was a participant in the conversation, and the two were rehashing parts of what had been said.  She told her sister that she was sorry for telling her story, that she had made peace with the whole incident, and that she had not intended to speak of the incident.

I had to forcibly keep my eyebrows from being raised when the person relating the story to me said this last part.  She had not INTENDED to speak of the incident? Who was the woman kidding?  She had spent a lengthy amount of time (for a casual conversation) giving details and commentary of the incident.  This was way beyond the Freudian slip.  Freud knew that people speak intentionally.  Later attempts to cover their tracks wouldn't erase the tracks.  The whole premise of communication is still that humans want to speak what is on their minds even in the post-Freud world.  People mean what they say.

Two of the three people listening to the woman tell her story actually could have averted the disaster that had happened to the woman all those years ago.  But, they hadn't and she had allowed the circumstance to emotionally scar her for the last 44 years.  It was her way of signaling to them that they had hurt her and no amount of  time or number of apologies would rectify what happened.  She was still harboring bitterness even if she tried afterward to say that she had made peace with herself.  She had spoken to punish the two who could have helped her, using the third as a witness.

She had not intended to bring up the incident?  HA.  Conversation operates according to certain principles.  She can backtrack and be polite about what was spoken.  She can gloss her words and paint a picture of having moved on to higher ground.  She can SAY anything she wants.  But, her original words were clearly spoken.  And words reflect thoughts as surely as mirrors reflect the images they are facing.

Subsequent words of explanation are also a reflection of thoughts.  Posturing to save face or create false impressions was the intention of this woman's later statements rather than proving how unaffected or unflappable she had been since the incident.  She can change clothes and lie about what she wore before the change, but her word choices tell a whole different story.