Product of socialization

The situation seemed more than a bit awkward.  The teenage couple ate together in almost complete silence.  Occasionally, the girl would try to introduce a topic to talk about, but the boy would merely answer with 4 or 5 words, and the topic hit its dead-end.

In the same restaurant, an older couple, in their late 30s possibly, were also eating.  There were 2 boys at the table also, presumably the couple's children.  They were eating in silence for the most part, but from time to time the mother would say something to try to get the boys to talk.  The father merely talked to them to redirect their behavior.  The boys talked to each other mainly.  The husband and wife exchanged words only to ask about the schedule for the rest of the day.

Scenes like this beg the question of why cross-sex talking is so difficult.  The answer is not simple.  Part of the answer is found in the combination of personalities.  The particular events leading to a conversation contribute to what is said too, of course.  But part of the anatomy of a conversation is the different conversational styles developed as young people are socialized as a (fe)male in this society.  Styles, of course, have features, and features are identified because they surface several times in a conversation.

Politeness is one of those features that manifests itself differently in men's and women's conversations.  Men show politeness by listening.  Since another feature of male conversation is to participate by adding more important details to a story or to take the floor, it is noticeable when the absence of taking the floor or adding details is happening.  Being silent after a comment before extending the conversation or changing topics signals appreciation for what was said.  Women, on the other hand, show politeness by immediately responding with a remark of personal affirmation to what has been said.

So, in a cross-sex conversation, the man shows politeness to the woman by being silent.  She thinks he is being non-responsive to her remark or ignoring her.  He is trying to make it clear that he is not trying to take the floor or add more important details.  The woman shows politeness by immediately responding to the man with a remark of personal affirmation rather than with banter.  This makes him feel like what he is trying to say is something that is over her head or that she has no interest in at all.  She is making a placating remark.

So goes the misinterpretation of styles.  So, on goes the ill will in the conversation as a whole.

But, I will say that I have had a female conversational partner that was socialized to understand the opposite sex's style, not merely her own style.  Maybe that was a part of compatibility of personality also because there were very few moments when we were not on the same page.  That enhanced understanding, for sure.

That was a utopian environment, making everyday pure joy... to be so clearly understood... and to so clearly understand... two who were in concert with each other.

What a difference when the world slips back into the world of men's and women's socialized understandings.