Noticing the underpinnings

Conversation operates by established principles. Those principles are developed by peer groups as they grow up. The problem is that there are several types of peer groups.

The most obvious is the same age peer group. During adolescence the youth counter culture uses extant words to have new meanings, like the hippies did with the word cool and Generation X did with the word bad. Or adolescents make up new words, most of which don't stand the test of time, such as the Baby Boomer word groovy and the next generation's word bling. The degree to which we participate in counter-cultural language is a marker of the degree to which we identify with our peers in later years.



Another peer group is formed during early adolescence: the female peer group and the male peer group. Each of these groups develops different rules for interacting with each other. One of the studied rules is that of competition. Both groups have competition but manifest it differently.



Girls have an alignment rule first, but if disagreement arises (competition), then they show it by agreeing with something a peer said first before expressing the item of difference.



Boys, on the other hand, challenge statements directly, and either gain face or lose face fairly immediately.

Rules also develop around interactions between younger and older peer groups. Baby Boomers wanted to interact with those older than themselves as equals; however, they wanted to hold Generation X at bay a bit by creating rules for deference. Generation X said that Baby Boomers had to earn their respect, but in turn, they wanted Generation Y to be in awe of every achievement they accomplished.



So, we are all marked in our language habits by the peer group we grew up with. That, of course, sets up all kinds of conflicts - between generations, between men and women, and within a peer group itself. "Don't use that language with me," is a phrase you hear parents say to teens, one peer to another, and a man to a woman or vice versa. The rules for language use from our peer group during our adolescent years are deeply seeded in our psyche. So, when a difficult situation arises, it is important to notice if you're speaking to a peer, a woman or man, or an older or younger generation. Ignoring the underpinnings of language use with the other party makes it fairly certain that a conflict will arise with no apparent resolution.